Brian

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Mar 10, 2007

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 39
Sign: Virgo

City: Indianapolis
State: Indiana
Country: US

Signup Date: 11/16/04

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Monday, February 19, 2007

Its time i admitted what i REALLY feel.....
Current mood: determined
Category: Life

Its time i admitted what i REALLY feel.....
i am going to write this almost as if some how it will be possible that she will read this....i am of course refering to björk...

and at the same time i am addressing my my friends as well....so maybe they will understand me better too...
and also im so terrible at expressing my self in person so this is probably the best way to say what i probably should have said years ago...
and there are many reasons why i keept my feelings to my self....till now...

basicly i just realized in the past few months and after what happend today i feel i must say it out loud for the world to hear

i am totaly....compleatly.....unconditionaly with out question....hopelessly and deeply in love with björk.....and i can help that any more than i can help being born.....i wish i would have been brave enough to embrace this feeling much sooner in my life....

unfortunately i only started to feel it really deep since about 2001 or maybe a little sooner.....and only just accepted it in the last few months and only just now am i openly admitting it to my self and my friends and the world

i have had countless times i wish it was some one that i actually know personaly.....just so i could send her a letter or say it to her directly....
and i feel the reason i have not said anything untill now is because i have not been comfortable saying i am in love with some one i do not know personaly

because what is the point of being in love with some one if yu dont know them or can talk to them directly about these feelings....right?
so why even be bothered to embrace the feelings i have?....

well to put it simply.... i cant resist it any more.....i must admit what i feel.....
i cant hold it inside me any longer.....its just gotten to deep and too strong to keep to my self

all these years.....the feelings i have held inside me has gotten stronger every year......this simply will not go away....believe me i have tryed to ignore it.....just go on with my life and be with other lovers and such....i have probably been thru at least 50 lovers or more since then...im not sure....its all kind of a blurr

only the more long term relationships i can remember with any thing close to clarity....ones that lasted more than a few days or weeks

and of course i will go on trying to find some one that is at least close to what i think being with her would be like....i have even deliberately refused to listen to her music for weeks or even months at a time....

and at one point it was years....but that was not deliberate....at that time i was simply distracted with trying to survive and deal with the frustrations and difficultys in my life and also relearn what i had forgot during my weed smoking and ritilin years of my life

infact i probably was in love with her since the first time i heard her music in 1994 and just was to buzy trying not to go back to smoking marijuana and getting my life together and tring to understand who i am and all that and be comfortble with me and what i am and what i like and love and need in my life

and this is also somthing i have only in the past few months realized....and only in the past few days i have made up my mind that i refuse to settle for anything short of what i feel i need in a lover or spouse.....and also what i want for my life and future and all that

and that i can actually obtain these goals.....and know deep in my heart i really can.....one way or another....with or with out björk....
just wish i could tell it to her directly....and pray i would get a positive responce from her....cuz anything negitve would obviously hurt me very deeply

i would go on of course.....but i would not be the same im sure.......actually i have no idea what would happen if i ever did get the chance to say what i feel
to her directly....or how it would affect me one way or the other.......yet i still feel very strongly that it would be good any way it went

any way i know she has some one special in her life.....at least she did last i read.....but still i wish i could tell her just the same

and if it is really ment to be it will happen.....if not oh well....i will go on with my life one way or another.....i cant just sit around waiting for some kind of fantastic mirical dream to just happen for me....because the odds are pretty lousey....little better than a zillion to one......against

however at the same time if i do not at least make some kind of effort then shame on me for not even trying
and i have been to iceland 2 times and nothing happened.....and now i am writing this web letter.....so i think that is about all i can do realisticly

and now that i had this most wonderful dream today...i feel i must share it with every one that i know.....expecially my icelandic friends in the off chance one of yu may actually know her on a friendly personal basis

to bad this was only a dream.....i wish....hope and pray what i felt will become reality......because it was the most beautiful dream i have ever had in my really sad screwed up life....at least the most wonderful dream that i can actually remember and be compelled and inspired enough to write it

i may have had other dreams about her that i dont remember clearly enough to write about them
so this one i feel is expecially importaint.......and very very speacial for many reasons

i only remember part of it......however what i do remember was the best part of all

as best i can remember.....it was me and björk.....like in this part of the new york subway that i have never seen before.....and it was strange because it was so unusually clean.....even the floors and walls were more like a home than a subway station....it was an area above the tracks...but not at street level....i would guess it was at leasts 20 feet below ground....maybe more.....it was where some vendors have there news stands and sell soads and candy and such

and she had this one area that was kind of private and yet kind of open.....hard to describe with words.....it felt really warm and cozy there

any way we had a matress or bed sheet or both on the floor.....and she was cuddeling me and carressing me in such a way that was both sexy and sweet and adoreable and loving and caring.....also hard to describe in words.....as best i can remember we were there only about 10 to 20 minutes

im not sure how we got there...or how we met up......or how we ended up in this part of the subway like this.....i dont remember that part clearly......
im not even sure if we had been making love or not.....or just cuddleing up till this point...

it did not matter because we were both so very content to just be there together and showing each other so much affection......expecially for me.....infact she was doing most of the giving and i was mostly receiving.....and i think she was the one that came after me.....<3....<3.....<3

and it felt so awsome to be loved and cared for in this way.....i just could not get enough of her.....i did not want to wake up at all...it was just to awsome

what i do remember specificly was what happend right before i woke up......i was lying face down.....mostly or compleatly naked.....not sure about that either....and she was mostly or compleatly naked.....almost compleatly on top of me but shifting her body around some times

i remember i could feel her breasts against my back and her body against my legs and butt and her hot breath on my neck and her lips kissing my neck and ears and side of my face.....and her fingers and hands carressing me all over

this was total bliss......i wanted this to go on forever......but soon she was saying something about me needing to wake up and she started to put warm water on me and wash my body.....i then woke up right then and there..........feeling things i had never fully embraced about her

it was then i felt all the way to my core that i love her compleatly and totaly
i cant explain it any better than that.....its just what i feel and there is no hiding from it.....not even from my self


and if i could say it to her directly......i think it would be something like this

björk i love yu so much......so very very much.......i cant hardly handle how much i love yu......its overwheling .......i know yu have some one......however if the day ever comes that yu are single again......and possibly maybe could be happy and content with me.......PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE chose me......and i promise to do every thing i can to make it work and make it last....i cant garentee it......i dont want to make promisies i cant keep....because people change.....and we cant see the future.......however i will be praying my heart out that if this day came to pass for us......some how we dont screw it all up

dont be affraid to try to love again.......dont give up on love....just keep tring......please....its not too late.....if yu believe then i can too

well somthing like that

dont know if i could ever say it to her directly like that or not....but right at this moment.....here on the internet...there it is.....thats what i feel right now and i just had to say it.......

björk....girlfriend......i love yu with all of my heart......now and forever.......even if we can never be together......i still love yu and always will


im really wierd and i know it.....i cant help it.....my sexual and romantic feelings are far from normal.......i cant help that either
its just who i am

and to be honest.......i feel with all my heart and soul......yu are almost exactly like me.....deep down.....i feel we are almost a perfect match in every way
of course i could be compleatly wrong.......and if so....oh well......at least i said what i need to say to yu right here and now.....

i have had people tell me time and time again to folow my heart....and my heart is telling me to write this web letter right now
and to say to yu......and i cant believe i am saying this.....i would rather be with yu romanticly or even as very VERY close dear friend than win all the lotterys or have all the power in the world......i cant say it any better than that.....i feel i that must say this all right here and now..compleatly and totaly

that should be the absolute ultimate and compleat proof that i love yu totaly and compleatly and unconditionaly.....period
and should yu ever read this i pray yu feel the same way

and i felt it was so very very importaint to write this to all my friends
while im still feeling brave and up to it and inspired enought to write it
and while i still have the time

because after today.....im gonna be REALLY buzy with my life......i have made a HUGE list of chinese new years resolutions......and i definatly will acomplish most if not all of them before this year is over....with any luck.....before my B-day in september

im not sure how i will acomplish these goals with my limited income and such......however i have written them down and i am going to be more determined to accomplish them than the first time i set my mind to go to iceland......AND DID IT...succssfuly

more or less i am telling yu....my friends and most imprortiant.....my self.....that i will accomplish these goals.....one way or another

i have decided as of today Monday Febuary 19, 2007 that unless somthing really good and huge happens i am leaving New York City Tuseday evening....or maybe Wendsday morning

I should be going to Indianapolis Indiana.....not sure how long i will be there.....and then back to Alaska......maybe?
or possibly thailand or china......i dont know......what ever i decide its going to happen soon

because im tired of just waiting around for things to happen.....im going out there and make things happen....some way some how

if that means tring this place and that place for short periods of time till i find something that works.....so be it
but effort i must make.....cuz i cant just sit around doing nothing.....im much to impatient and restless and hyper for that

and im much to intellegent to waste my life running around in circles chasing my own tail
and im much to kind and loving to waste my time and live with women that dont love me bak the way i need to be loved
and if i need to go thru 50 more lovers till i find one that is right for me....so be it

of course it would be really awsome to find my next lover was just the most perfect girl i could ever wish and hope and pray for...

im not giving up on love or the ultimate relationship that i know i need and deserve

im willing to do what it takes.....and im not going to settle for anything less than the most awsome.....most beautiful....most open minded...sexiest....kinkest...sweetest....most compationate and about 1000 other things she needs to be girl that i can find

and if i cant find her in my own country......I WILL go some place else and find her
and i will not quit till this happens

second best is just not good enought for me
because i KNOW i deserve more from life than this
i have MORE than earned it......many times over.....and i AM ready....NOW.....i have been ready for quite some time from what i feel

ok....well....there it is.....ive said it......its done.......i think that is all i need to say
from this point on....well.....we will just see what happens and let it flow

and after today i got a a whole list of things to get done....literally...

and they will get done....eventually...and the sooner the better.....because i am way behind with my life...and im gonna get bak every thing that i have lost or had taken from me over the years.....AND THEN SOME......so yu can imagine just how buzy im gonna be

ok....thank yu to every one
love yu all...thank yu for reading this
i think this was very well done and written

warmth....care....peace and health for all
brian

11:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Saturday, January 13, 2007

NOW i understand ^_^
Current mood: excited
Category: Life

NOW i understand ^_^

NOW i know why björks music affects me so deeply and intensely

its because it feels as if the sounds and her voice and her spirit and every thing is comeing from deep deep with in me...right down to my core...right from the deepest part of my heart and soul....as if i could sing every single word and sound she makes with absolute acuracy...compleatly and totaly....its so powerful i can hardly describe it

and the only thing keeping me from being able to acomplish this is that my voice is just not developed enough and my singing ability is so very far short of hers....and its just drving me crazy that i cant do it....at least not yet....and the fact that i have some memory problems

i want to learn it all and how and every thing and just sing her every words with all my heart and soul and just pour out the energy i feel from her ....and from me.....from the deepest most inner part of me.....and just sing her words out loud for every one to hear


almost as if i wish i could be come her or merge with her spirit and body and every thing and then just lett it all out with such intensity and ferosity that the whole world could hear me and her and us sing and understand us....or somthing like that....im in a highly emotional state so this is about the only way i know how to describe what i feel....

im pracaticly shaking and trembliing with emotion right now...i can hardly type right now as im listinging to violently happy right as these words are being typed....and im just forcing................

.............................................................................................................................................
............i could not even finsih becaus of over emotion from the anchor song....

as i was saying....forcing my self to type.....infact the anchor song just finished and it took me a coupole of minutes of nearl;y being in tears to start tyyping again....my fingers are still kind of numb from the experiance.....

and im not going to play debut again till after i finish this and send it to all my freinds and post it any place i can think of....

there for a moment even my nose went numb.....

i have many times in the past deliberatly stoped listening to her music for some times weeks or even many months at a time and all my other CDs as well because of many reasons that i care not to get in too at this moment....

some of the reason was because i was to buzy with my life and because i could not feel what i used to feel when i first started listening to her in 1994 and then forgot about her because of the many difficultys and moving around in my life and then remembering her in 1999 and finding out about post and homogenic and telegram.....and getting even more awsome feelings....

so there were times i stoped so that when i would listen again it would almost be as if i was listening for the very first time.....be even this did not really work as well as i wished it would....

of course i would hear things i had not realized was there before....sounds that were under the other sounds or were so faint or intermitant that i had not noticed them before.....

so i did get some new and interesting sensations hearing these....
but still never seamed to feel the intensity and emotional bliss i first experianced....


then just about 20 minutes ago i put in debut after a couple of weeks or more of not listening to any of my CDs and then it happend.....some of the feelings and memorys around those feelings came back to me and then every thing made sence...well maybe not every thing but most of it....

i know this has some very special meaning....and even since the first few times i heard debut it was as if every note....every sound....every word...was ment for me or about me......

that is the feeling she gave me from day one....
im not saying that it IS true....or that she wrote it for me specificly......im mearly expressing my point of view and what i just felt and remembered...and lately alot of things have been makeing sence....and i have been reacing new levels of understanding and peace of mind about me and the world and the people around me....

this is a really big deal to me....its huge....however i think its not as big as what is waiting for me in the future now that i have reached this level of understanding....

this is a wonderful feeling to have and i hope wish and pray that this will continue to happen and that i will from now untill eternity experiance great amounts of joy...peace....happyness...pleasure of many forms....prosperity.....and anything else really awsome and excellent that i can not think of at this moment....and that there will be little or nothing at all in my future that will cause me difficulty or stress or anger anguish or any other negitve things of that sort.....

lord knows i have had WHAY more than my share of that madness.....

and i also hope wish and pray that i will eventually and preferably very soon before i get REALLY old.....that i will have such abundance of every thing that i will not only be able to help my self....but also many many others in this world that are in need of assistance to better there lifes and eventually for them to stand up with there own abilitys in this same realm of prosperity and abundance and use it well for good things and to help make the future of this world the best planet in the universe for all to live in and enjoy...

and to help elmintate as much suffering....strife....gread...misdirection....hate and all the other negitve things that seam to constantly plauge humanity and the earth....and have this world of bliss and happyness last for all eternity here on the earth as well as in the after life....

perhaps it seams a bit much to expect or ask of my fellow humans.....however if we simply give up and do nothing except complain about it then we are almost definately screwed......

any way i just absolutly needed to share this with my friends and björk fans as well....


is so amazing that the human mind is a very powerful and awsome thing.....at least when its working properly....and i would like to think i use well more than the 10 percent or whatever percent it was that i heard about...of course i remember they said AVERAGE person....i would think its safe to say i am whay above average intelegence.....

glad i quit smokeing weed in 1994....and ciggerets in 2000
it was hard at first....and almost a nightmare when i quit ciggerets....but well worth the effort...

now that im finished with this i can clean my home a bit more and wash the dishes and such
and then later i can listen to her music again....and i hope wish and pray i feel even more of what i used to feel and then some...

of couse i can not spend to much time listening to music....im going to indiana before the end of this month and then the Ukraine in febuary....and i still have many things to prepare and do before my departue date....all the best to every one...and happy new year....

peace and happyness to all...
brian

6:02 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

12 years with björk and counting
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Music

12 years with björk and counting

i am refering to my first experiance with björk and her music

i have been in to her music for more than 12 years now

since mid to early  1994 when i lived in my camper trailer in anahime california...had been living there about 3 or 4 months

moved there very close to christmas day in 1993
so maybe 5 months after that

this was the first time i heard her music
as soon as i heard her song i was so excited i went strait to the record store and bought the album


this was while i was driving around in my little toyota pick up truck
a wonderful little truck my parents gave me in 1992
unfortunately i totaled the truck when i went bak to san antonio texas in 1995 hauling ass to work cuz i did not want to be late

i did not make it and ended up in the hospital with a broke wrist

i still have the scar from the second time i broke the same wrist just weeks after getting out of the first cast

1995 was a really REALLY ruff year for me in so many crazy ways

any way bak to what i was talking about

i dont think i even went home first...just drove strait there
i have never done that before with any song

EVER....

i used to listen to the radio alot but never got so excited and curious about a singer  that i went right out and bought the album

expecially the same day with absolutly no idea who she was or what she was about or if any of her other songs were good

and this was a time i was exceptionaly selective about how i spent what little money i had.....i wanted to be sure to get the most out of what ever i spent

so this was REALLY strange for me to just go and buy it like that

i normaly would wait till some one else had the album or told me about it and if i liked most of the songs and could afford it THEN i would buy it

so this one song TOTALY impressed me like nothing i had ever experianced in my life till then

it was Big Time Sensuality

lucky i was not living in indiaNoplace (indianpolis indiana) at the time....probably would never have even heard her song as most of the radio stations at that time totaly sucked ass and stuck with playing the same lame top 40 songs over and over again to the point of madness

i was even a bit worried that first time when i walked in to the record store....i thought maybe the person at the record store would have no idea who i was talking about cuz i had never heard of her before....

i was not even sure if i was pronoucing her name correctly or at least how the radio DJ said it...but i said i'm looking for a song by byork?  it kinda sounds like new york or maybe something like that?.....

.years later i found this pronuciation to be whay wrong but most americans dont know about icelandic words either.....

so i WAS pronouncing it the way i thought i had heard it on the radio and  she knew exactly who she was and found her new album for me right away

i was so excited i could hardly stand it....
i dont think i had ever heard music so differnent and full of energy and excitement and uniqeness in all my life

so very different from anything i had ever heard before

and the first time i played the whole album i was compleatly amazed at how every note and word just seamed to affect me so deeply and felt and sounded so absolutely perfect and deep and moving.....and perhaps spiritual and meaningful

almost as if she was speaking directly to me
and not just to me
to my very heart and soul

the more i listened the more i loved her music
and this was one of the few albums i had ever bought that i loved nearly every single song on the tape

 even the anchor song i at least liked....and it did grow on me after a while and seamed to end the album nicely as well

so i was even more impressed that i spontaniouly bought her album like that and enjoyed each and every song on the album

somthing that did not happen often with me.....most albums i had bought up to that time i usally disliked one or more songs for various reasons

and some albums half or more songs were not all that great

this was an interesting time in my life because it was right about that time i stoped smoking marajuana

and have not gone bak ever since

and yu know i have had this album nicked from me about 3 or 4 times and maybe misplaced it 2 or 3 more times and had to purchace it again and again

i lost count after 4 but i would guess at least 5 to 8 times
my memory is a bit foggy on that so i have to guess

but for some reason lately  i dont get quite get the feelings i did the first time....i dont know why?

i even went to anahime a couple of times a few years ago but it just was not the same....

i even went to the trouble to rent a car and drive around the city streets and hiways just like i did the first time i listened....and still i just can not seam to recapture those feelings

some times when i play the album and listen deep i can sort of feel it again but its just not the same

i dont know why?
i hope and pray some day when the time is right
(preferably while i am still fairly young)
that i will be in the right place and the right state of mind to compleatly recapture the feelings she gave me so many years ago

and then some.....and keep those feelings close to my heart 

forr all eternity if that is possible
somthing like that

any way i remember always wondering where she was from but i never bothered to take the time to find out

i thought she looked kind of asian but not quite
i remember thining maybe some place close to asia that i had never heard of

i wish to this day i would have found out more about her MUCH sooner

so it was wierd......i got so very distracted with alot of moving around the States and going thru different girlfriends and such....many times i was barely exsisting because my income was very low at the time....and had many problems and hard times

when i went to indiana for a few months........... some one nicked my first debut album right out of my car....

i had left it in the seat

only went in just to see if they were hiring for dishwasher and fill out an application and forgot to lock my car

when i came out it was gone
i was pissed off about that for quite some time

but i never bothered to buy another one for a long time
years it turns out

so much madness in my life for the next 4 years

just that period of time i could write a huge novel about

and by late 1995 and living in san antonio texas i almost compleatly forgot about her because of all the finacial and other problems in my life at that time

when i finnaly moved to anchorage alaska in 1999 i had moved out of my trailer for the winter and moved in to an apartment....

then in late 1999 i lost my already small income and got desperate and sold my truck and beloved home on wheels for 3000 dollars and at that time bought a ticket well in advance to go to the philippines for the rest of the winter

this was the stupidest thing i ever did

i had spent a total of about 20,000 dolars on the trailer since 1993 and 15,000 or so in the truck since 1993 when i bought them both with a trust fund my parents had been keeping for me for years

this was the smartest thing i ever did

this was including the origonal price of buying the trailer home for 10,000 dollars and 5,000 for the truck

the truck was a 1983 1 TON GMC with dual rear tires and a 7.4 liter gasoline engine and manual transmission

the trailer was a 1983 36 foot Holiday Rambler Ambasador fifth wheel camper trailer

i bought them both about september of 1993
so i owend them about 7 years

i got ripped off big time

however i was despreate for cash and the truck was not a 4 wheel drive and it was well in to winter here in anchorage in mid october so i had a hard time even getting that price....

plus both the truck and trailer needed repairs that i could not afford to do because i had no income at all any more and could not find a job at that time

not only that but i thought that maybe it was possible the world was going to either end or get all fucked up because of that Y2K scare and all the profits of doom scareing the crap outa every one so i figured what the fuck and planed to get out of the US before 2000 happend

i left right at the end of november 1999

all a HUGE mistake except for maybe a couple of things

now that i had some money again i started to relax and feel peaceful again waiting for my time to travel
 
and suddely with almost no warning i remembered björk and went to the record store to see if she had put out any new albums since debut
 
i was so suprised and happy to find out about post and telegram and homogenic.....so much so that i bought debut for my second time and also the other 3 cassette tapes and spent hours listening to them over and over and at that time it gave me even more warm and exciting feelings that i had ever had before
 
i got so in to her that i decided that i wanted to go to the local gay club here dressed up as a girl and possibly preform in drag....lip synking a couple of my favorite björk songs

when i got there the people in charge of the show said yes and imeadiately went to the dressing room and got dressed.....while i was there one of the other girls told me that björk was from iceland
 
i was really amazed to hear that and so supprised as i expected to hear some place in asia

and it was even more exciting because for years i had a bit of an interest in iceland becasue of the documenterys i had seen as a child about the volcanoes there and the way the fire fighters sprayed water on the advancing lava to send keep it from totaly destroying the bay

i had had a fear and facination with volcanoes since i was very young

maybe even as far back as 7 years old when i remember my first nightmares about volcanoes

any way i did the show and every one was just aplauding so wildly at my performace and i was so happy that night
 
this was also the night i met a native girl that took me home with even when i was compleatly dressed up as a girl...and me and her made the most intense and pasionate love i have ever had to this day while listening to björk all night and morning long

but that is another part of my life i dont want to get in to right now

later the next year that relationship did not end so good unfortunatly
 
any way i went to the  the philippines a couple of weeks later
and came bak in febuary

some one stole my second debut tape while i was there
grrrrr

when i got bak i continued the 5 month long a relationship with the same  native girl and a lot of hard times after that relationship ended untill well in to the next year...i had got my income back after alot of problems and finnaly started to settle down again
 
 then in about august of 2001 i started using the internet alot at the library and decided it was time to see what i could find out about her via the web

found out she was indeed from iceland and a few other things about her

even met some people from iceland one time at the library when waiting for the computers to be free
 
what i found was so suprising.....up till then all i had known of her is what that girl told me and what i could see in her album covers.....i was so suprised to find a web site about her

and that she was even more beautiful than waht i could see in the albums

it was helpful but i still was limited on time at the library...i did not get to heavy looking her up on the net
 
a couple of months later i bought my own computer and then i
could surf the web unrestriced because i now had unlimited accecess to the internet and it cost me the same every month no matter how much i used it

the library had a limit of one hour per day and only when the library was open and many times i had to wait for 30 minutes or more just to get a seat
 
then i strarted to find all kinds of neat things about her and lots of other stuff i never could do with such ez before as well as get in to chat rooms and 4UMs and such
 
ever since then my interest in her grew and grew as  did my awarness of just how popular she is...cuz mostly here in the states she dose not have as many people that know about her as other countrys
 
even to this day many people dont know who i am even talking about unless i say something about the swan dress.....then suddenly they know....kinda silly huh?
 
she affected me so much that i have been to iceland twice.....unfortunately never met up with her

at least as far as i was aware of at the time

met ALOT of awsome people anyway and had a wonderful time
 
any way i still adore her and love her and her music and her icelandic ways so very much...and her country and the people there

and i wish her and all my wonderful friends around the world merry chistmas and happy new year

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Monday, December 18, 2006

am i Bi or Straight
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life

to answer that question if am i Bi or straight is not exactly a straight forward answer.....lol....

it depends on your point of veiw

because i love both fem women and fem TG ( a more all
encompassing term for transxual and transvestite ect. ect. )

I will have nothing to do with men or TGs on a sexual level if they look to much like men when they are in drag and/or find them physicly unattractive to me personaly

and 99 percent of the time if i see them out of drag or feel or see any thing of what i consider to be masculine features (IE facial hair stubble) other than what they have between there legs....before..during or after sexual encounters i become very turned off to them sexually

i have had sexual relations with several TG and later discontinued my sexual relationship with them because of this

and some i had no sexual interest in what so ever from the very start and chose to mearly be friends or what ever

i suppose technicly this would be considerd bisexual

from my point of veiw i dont really see them as men
i see them as women with somthing extra
so i consider my self some what of a quasilesbian of sorts

on the other side of this i had a several month long beautiful relationship with a very beautiful and extreamly voluptuous sexy native girl here in alaska from 1999 to 2000 that we met the first time i went out in drag and she took me home with her that night and we both had intense sex with me dressed up very sexy

she made me feel like a royal princess from begining to end

and at least 2 or 3 times we had awsome sexual intimacey with both of us in nylons and heals and make up and i must say that so far that is the most passonate...kinkyest....intense and most romantic sex and relationship i have ever had

not only that we were so compatible in so many huge ways
i loved nearly every single thing about her

she loved to dress and decorate her place in gothic style
she love the same kind of music as me
same taste in clothing
loved really wierd ccomic books
and had kewl pet tarancula spiders that i adored and cared for when she was working she loved to have me clean up her place

her place was almost exactly like what i wish i could have done with my room when i lived with my parents if they were not so strict and conservitive when i was a teenager

only this was way better.....i had the ultimate sexyest girlfriend ever AND no parents to tell me what i CAN NOT do  AND she loved me dressed as a girl or just plane ole me

either way we were very happy together

she had pinkish red christmas lights all around her apartment
and lots of kewl gothic adornments for the house
it was like halloween meets christmas every day in her place
it was such a romantic and adorable place for me

and most of the time that was the only lights we keept on
were the christmas lights....the were run all along the ceilings close to the walls something like halo lights in a limo

the lights were in the large living room and her bedroom
and the hall way and th bathroom too

and huge list of other things that seamed so perfect
and for a while i thought i had found my one true love
maybe i did and totaly blew it

unfortunately i screwed up the relationship buy kissing another girl with out even thinking in the very bar we met...this was after we had both got dressed up so hot and sexy and she spent alot of time making me look good..(I still dont know why i kissed that girl )..and she was more than furious....she went thermonuclear when we got home

i never seen some one so angry in all my life and she cryed and screamed throwing dishes and drinking glasses at me and trashed the place and tossed me around and on the floor and kind of hitting me but not super hard....more like a frustrated pounding....it really did not hurt physicly....but emotionaly it was killing me that i hurt her that much....

i was still in drag during all this....she left screaming at the top of her lungs and stormed out slamming the door and drove off like mad.....and then she did not come home for what seemed like days while i managed to pull my self together and put the place back together

we did get bak together later and did alot of passionate making up but it never was the same

and later other complications in my love life screwed things up perminately

I was also involved with 2 other women in a long distance relationship in the philippines....one was soon to return....and this woman i had been in years long realationship and truely believed i could trust what she tells me

and my new girlfriend knew about this from the start
howwever i promised her many times she would not come between us when she came back from the philippines....

so i thought....and she was ok with this....so she said

and when she came bak...........things did not go as i thought they would...i thought they would like each other alot and at least be friends because that is what the philippina woman promised me in person and over the phone

just before she came back she promised me she would accept this relationship and would not interfer with our happyness

but she was a liar and made it nearly impossible for us and made me look like a liar too and every thing got all screwed up

the first thing she complained about was that her house looked like a witches house and then a whole sh*tlist of complaints about how she was not good for me and it just went to downhill from that point on

she more or less came between us...and i broke up with the native girl and i dont think she ever forgave me for that

i stoped my relationship with both philippina women
the one short lived relationship in the philippines shortly after this

and with the ederly one i had been with for years.....i lost sexual interest in her shortly after....and rarely had sex with her since then and finnaly lost total interest in her by January 2003....that was the last time i did anything sexual with her and even then it felt horrible and empty

i am still friends with her but at a distance now
as far as the native girl...i have not spoken with her since that time and the last time i tryed to patch things up by buying her daughter a nice comic book she looked at me as if she never wanted to see me again.....so i didnt...just gave up

and even if i saw her again....i could never trust her again

i just know she would deliberatly get involved with me just to leave me and break my heart again out of revenge.....yes she is that spiteful....at least she was...so i have long since given up on that relationship

plus i am some what involved with a different philippina woman here in anchroage and it looks like this realationship is not working out.....at least not right now....so im not looking to get deeply involved with any women in this crazy town at this time......just have no interest what so ever any more

ok thought i would share with every one

take care....thanks for the interest in reading this
brian/lydia

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Thursday, November 30, 2006

Had a strange dream
Current mood: awake
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Had a strange dream about going to paris france and being in this strange building and taking some sort of health exam and such...then this french guy that at first i thought did not like me or did not trust me told me i need to care for this very large ostrich egg by rolling it down this hallway
 
the hallway formed a square inside the building past all these doorways that were like waiting rooms in a doctors office
 
i was to roll this egg so that after i finished i would be bak were i started because of the fact the hallways were connected in such a way to form a perfect square
 
i went around the first corner and the hall went slightly at a down hill angle
the egg rolled ahead of me and i could not keep up.......as it did the shell started to come apart
 
when i finnally caught up with the egg at the end of that hall and the start of the second corner all most all the shell was gone and there was a baby ostrich inside and i picked it up and started to nurse and care for it....not sure if this was a girl or boy ostrich
 
then the guy told me that he could see i was warm and caring person at heart and suddenly he was very happy and friendly to me.....he then took me in to town and on the way gave me 2 bottles of very good strawberry wine
 
i was so happy he did this and i was even more happy that i was in france where they have excellent trains and public transportaion systems.....so i could actually get drunk or go to a pub any time of day or night and not have to worry about how i will get home and not have to wait an hour for a bus in the sub zero freezing cold or leave a bar before it closes because the buses stop before mid night or walk for an hour or more in the terrible cold or take a very expensive taxi ride home
 
i told him somthing like that but in more excited and passionate words
 
i think i said something like  "i am very  happy i am in paris so that i can actually drink the wine yu are  giving me because in alaska and most of the united states i would not be able to get drunk because over there i need to drive all the time because the public transportation system is really lame and crappy and taxis are much much to expensive"
 
something like that
 
then shortly after we arived at this sort of night club place that one of the entrances was shaped like an old DC-6 or DC-7 propeller driven airliner....
 
and then we  went in thru a side door kind of like the entry way 2 an ariliner and inside were all these sexy and beautiful women lounging about the place talking to each other and haveing drinks and what ever...this place was very simple yet elegent and comfortable looking inside
 
to one side was a large curved bar and on the other side was a lounge area with many very cozy looking couches and chairs and tabels in moderate lighting and a small electric lighted sign on the bak wall that read something to the nature of  "any lady for $100 dollars per NIGHT".....not one hour  or one half an hour.....the whole night!!!  =)
 
wow how aswome is that
this made me very happy and he seamed very pleased to see i was over joyed to be in this place
he then said choose any girl or girls yu want to spend the night with.....i think he even was going to cover the expense as a gift to me
 
i then started looking at all the girls faces to see what ones i saw looked the way i love a woman to look and also to see which ones had on sexy dresses and high heals and sexy hose or nylons
this made me even more happy as there were 20 to 40 women in this room
 
he then explained that once i have decided i simpy go to the girl and introduce my self and get to know each other first and what i am interested in doing and then pay the bar owner and then go to her place and do what ever makes us happy all night and if she really likes me then  we can do what ever till even the late morning hours
 
i woke up shortly after this as the dream ended there
 
pretty wierd huh...not sure if it means anything or not
 
just had to share it with my friends
 
ok take care
brian

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

a musical wet dream? maybe?
Current mood: creative

a musical wet dream? maybe?

i say that because im not sure what else to call it
it was really strange and exciting

i will try to describe it as best i can remember
even tho i just woke up from it it is a bit foggy for details

basicly it started out in some kind of club or something
and me trying to help with a song that a band was doing OR somthing to help the DJ with his performance

i had a guitar and would basicly play the same notes i was hearing from the amps...except my guitar like added to the sound or somthing like that and i think i tryed to sing and it was ok some times and other times it kinda suked

at least i thought it did
somthing like that

then later i ended up in this wierd dark recording studio with like an electric piano or synthisizer or somthing  that was also hooked in to a computer and recording equipment

or more acurately a key board attached to all this equipment
umm.....any way that is not what is importaint

what is importaint is i started to play this keyboard even tho i really did not know how to play....just started blending and pressing keys in such a way that sounded good to my ears

kinda simple and basic at first.....then it happened... i started to just go wild and REALLY got in to it and just doing what ever felt good and sounded good and making other sounds with a childs xylaphone and my voice and other things i had there

and it sounded wierd and good yet i just kept getting wilder with it knowing that later i would take every thing i recorded and splice and cut and remix and whatever later

it was nearly orgasmic in nature...felt really awsome from the inside out....

and the other guys that were also there recording there own stuff were getting a bit annoyed with me because i was makeing so much noise that much of the time to them it did not make much sence

yet they knew i was on to something and let me be and have fun...cuz they could also see i was extreamly happy and excited

and i also remember thinking some type lyrics similar to maybe beasty boyz or chili pepers or maybe lymp bizkit would sound good with what i had in mind

and then later...and i dont remember if i dreamed this part or was awake or some place in between

i rememberd the music  my friend Garðar and me made in iceland on his computer when i was in Iceland the last time

its only one track...i thought it was pretty good but it lacked something.....like vocals

i  did try to sing on one recording of it but it was just like a few words and i tryed so hard to do it and was pressed for time when i was making it so i think it sounded terrible

not only that my friend Garðar was trying to coach me how to sing it so i think it was just not the right singing style for what we created

and during the dream or in the prosses of waking up i dreamed of singing it in a totaly different and outrageous way that made my voice sound good instead of weak and crappy like we did in his studio....and maybe even very much like the way i was thinking would be a good idea for the song i was creating in my dream

i have not listened to the trak me and him created since i left iceland...mostly because i felt it really was not that brilliant and also the extra copy with my voice on it i thought really suked and my voice sounds horrible and weak

so i have been kind of embarresed to listen to it even to my self

not only that.....

Garðar during and after compleating it kinda got an attitude about it since it was his computor and he knew how to use the program and not me

and that it was basicly more or less all his song unless i added my voice to it then we would share royaltys

basicly what he was saying IS this
if it got popular with no voice then it was all his idea and i had no part in it and i am still a bit cross with him over that mentality

cuz i DID help....he played sound bits and i said yes that is good or now that sounds like crap and he would aggree or disagree and we spent hours doing this...

i would also say do yu have any sounds like this or like that and can yu do this or that with it or move this sound here or move that sound there and speed it up or slow it down or add somthing here or there and a whole lot of other stuff

i would have been more than frigging happy to do it all alone if he would have shown me hands on how to use the bloody thing

but he was very possesive about it the whole time and did not want to take time to tell me and let me work it by my self

oh well....i still like him any way...he and my many friends i met in iceland gave me alot of warm and happy memorys from there
and i really miss iceland some days

...so maybe i should give it a listen again if i can even find the disk....

its been almost one year ago to the date that WE created that trak....

wow that is intresting i would have a dream like that in the same month that this happend exactly one year ago

and have not listend to it since then either
he must have cared cuz he wrote on the disk bri bri and ga ga
with a felt marker

that was funny and cute and nice and other things too =)
i dont know

not sure what all this means exactly

maybe i should continue with music?

but now i am buzy tring to get a driving job and keep it for more than a month....and i cant focus enough here in alaska cuz i have alot of distractions and other things eating at me

when i was in iceland i was a bit more focused and relaxed
but i cant go bak till mid 2008 cuz i over stayed a couple of weeks and i am not allowed to go bak till then....

unless some one put in a good word for me or the Icelandic goverment was willing to let me go bak early......or both

i do miss it and all the people there
always get so excited every time i tell people about it

oh well
message me bak and say what ever yu want to say
good or bad

i will try to be open minded about anything negitve or critical

much love to all
peace and care
health and happyness

takk fyrir to every one that has helped me or even just tryed and failed....expecially if they tryed alot

god bless
and
bless bless

brian/lydia

3:18 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Friday, May 26, 2006

i think she DID =^_^=

i think she DID =^_^=

what i am refering to is the running flip off the wall in the 1995 "i miss yu video" from björk of iceland


many other people say no yu did not...however i think they are wrong.....i think yu did and it would B nice to B right about that...however i can accept it even if im not

there are several things that make me think this

first and for most....i have always felt yu are alot like me and the looks on your face before and after have be believing yu really did

because i have flet those sort of emotions and energys at one point or another

second is when i was working at this moving company job a couple of weeks ago and to my compleat surprize....near the end of the day...one of the guys that worked with us.....did a compleat back flip right in front of my eyes......with OUT a wall or any assitance what so ever

it compleatly blew my mind.....he just did it with no warning what so ever.....not sure exactly how but i saw it with my own eyes.....it happened so fast i could just barly get my mind around the fact that he did it

but HE DID do it and i saw it......it was amazing......and i saw him from the side....he went compleaty around 360 degrees and landed firmly bak on his feet and landed nearly if not exactly where his feet left the ground

and in the video.....yu or some one that made it look like yu had a wall to run up against and assist with the flip

so now i KNOW it is MORE that possible

of course any one who has a good eye for visuals can see that in the video the camera angle changed and that yu or who ever ran at that wall had a much longer run at it than the video makes it look

however that is understandble since the person was running increadibly fast when they got to that wall

and then there is the look on ur face after its done.....if that was not really yu then i must say yu did an excellent job of making it look real

and there is also the feeling in your videos and music that some times....expecially in your earlyer works that yu get in to these moods or bursts of intense energy and if yu are anything like me it can become compleatly overwhelming and makes a person thing they can do almost anything as long as its intense and exciting

something like that

ok well i think that is about all i wanted to say about that

and if yu would be so kind as to reply to this i would REALLY apreaciate it.....would be nice to know if i was right or not.....and i can handle it either way

wamrth and care
brian

3:01 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Over View...last 3.5 Years of my life

Over View...last 3.5 Years of my life

I dont know how well i can do this....i tend to drag on when i get in to something really deep.....im an extream person some times....either too much or too little

im going to do my best to balance between intricate details and vauge overveiws

so umm here goes it.......

so lets set the way bak machine to late 2002

as best i can remember i had been to the philipppines 3 times already...and been in and out of a couple of short relationships that went no place

after dating a native alaskan girl that was very phisicly abusive to me for almost a month

every time she would get drunk....(nearly every day).....she would verbaly and phisicaly abuse me....bite me...scratch me.....pull my hair.....constanly accuse me of things i did not do....and say many nasty things to me that hurt me alot

then when she was sober.....(rarely but it did happen a few times)she was so sweet and kind to me and did every thing she could to keep me around

so many times i cleaned her house....washed dishes and some times cook a little

after a month of this i got tired of it and left her

i also went to hawaii and had a very short lived relationship whit a japanese girl that well im not sure what to say about her....i guess we had virtual sex.....sex with out me penitrating her...i dont know what else to call it.....we did every thing lovers do with out me being in her

that lasted about 3 weeks mostly because she lost faith in me and i think she was also using me to get over her ex boyfriend that screwed her over and took a lot of money from her and then just left her with no wanrning and disapeared from her life

went bak to alaska and stayed with that native girl again.....we did not become intimate this time because she had a new boyfriend and i was ok with that
i did not want to go bak with her......i just needed a warm place to sleep for a while till i decided what i wanted to do next

and it was about this time i was giving serious thought to going to iceland for the first time

it seamed rather impossible......i was thinking i would need ALOT of money and i found out later that was more or less true since iceland is very expenisve

so i started to think how can i do this....i wanted to be there before september...my birth month......possibly november....björks birth month...or december at the latest

so i started to think....ok my income is limited.....all the jobs i can get really ez dont pay well and are really phisicly demanding

what can i do?

i have a limited income every month if even when i dont work but it only barly covers my expenses

so i thought....mexico is cheap to live.....maybe i could fo there......so i bought a plane and train ticket and went a 2 weeks later

i was really nervouse about it cuz i hardly understood or spoke any spanish.....so i went to tijuana cuz it is right across the boarder.....if i did not like it or do well  i could come bak right away

i was able to read enough spanish to find an aparment for rent and knew what the exchange rate was so i knew what prices to look for and phone numbers where self explaintory

i found the cheapest ones i could find and called a couple up.....after a few trys i found some one that understood enough english that i could talk about seeing it......

of course at the time i did not realize it was the worst part of TJ.....for about equal to 130 dollars per month.....if i would have known what i was getting in to i would have spent alittle more....180 to 220 per month and got a much better place in not such a bad area

what can say....i thought it would be best so i could put more money away every month

any way to get to the point it did not work out and i spent a miserable christmas and new years there

i will not get in to the details of that other than i got haressed by the police and other people just cuz i was american them thinking i have alot of money

i would go bak and forth from TJ to san diego regularly
i did try to work a few times but nothing much happend

there is a huge volume of really intense things that happned while i was there....some were really screwed up....and after a month i nearly hated it so i decided this is not going to work

i was VERY unhappy living there

then i thought maybe if i went bak to the philippines i may be able to do well there cuz it is even more cheap that the US and i can Rent tiny.....about the size of a very small 2 bedroom aparment sized house for right at 100 dollars per month and food and transpo are really cheap there too

another disaster.....but for different reasons mostly because i over drew my bank account to pay for my ticket to the philippines and did not realize it till AFTER i was there and with drew money i thought i had cuz the money was not taken out of my account right away

so i had to go bak to the states because my bank was going to close my account and if that happend i would be cut off from my ONLY source of income AND stranded in the philippines with no money what so ever

a VERY bad situation

so i had to go bak nearly as soon as i got there....about 3 weeks

lucky for me the return end of my ticket was bak to alaska so that helped alot...other wise i would have been homeless in san diego....i did not want that at all

i like alaska much better and i also had a place i could stay as well...but not with that native girl

no way

some one else that i will not get in to details about

any way i  am already tired of writeing and this is supposed to be a general overveiw and i am getting to detailed and this is going to take forever like this

so i came bak to alaska
made up my mind that one damn way or another i am going to iceland before the end of 2003 cuz my new years and christmas were really fucked up and i wanted to have a happy chirstmas and new years this time

i tryed working here but things are slow here that time of year
 
then a lady i had done some work for agreed to hire me and bring me to montana to work for her.....at my expense....what can i say...i was desperate

another disaster

i worked my ass off for her for 8 weeks clearing her new land in 100 degree tempatures day after day in the middle of fucking no place montana....near butte

then she stiffed me on half my pay...gave me a peice of crap gas hog of a truck that i traded  for a more fuel efficiant datsun that i owed money on......drove to north dakota where i thought it would not be so hot.....it was a little cooler but not much......

worked alittle wnet bak to montana cuz she said she would pay me now and i needed to pay off the balance on the car so i could get the title and perminate plates

she stiffed me again.......said fuck it....worked out some arangements with the motor veihicals and the deal and later payed off the car and got my plates when i went bak to North Dakota.

worked some other hard jobs over there.....then went to minnisota thinking better jobs would be there.....NOT
went bak to fargo....worked again till i got my plates and title

then i went to Chicago.....worked there at a day labor place... then a carnival that payed me less than minnimum wage and then when i got tired of that i went to indiana to visit my mom

to my surprize she let me stay with her for the dfirst time

worked at an oil change place and saved money to go to iceland

i did it but it was hard as hell for me
i worked 50 to 60 hours per week for 3 months floating between 5 stores to get extra hours to do every thing

i even got in an accident and did some damage to my car and i nearly was going to give up since the money i was expecting to get from the car would help me pay for my expenses in iceland

i did sell it later but for about half what i was going to get for it...i was lucky to get what i did get....if not for that i may have been more worried about having enough money when i got to iceland

and for i long time i thought i would not be able to sell it at all

got my new passport in mid october.....my old one was really tore up cuz i always would keep it in my front pocket as a second piece of ID

 got my ticket really cheap online by playing with the dates and destinations.....only $350 dollars

multi stop...Boston to Iceland to England and bak again

i picked east coast cuz it was hella expensive from indy
so i road the train one way to boston and would arange a one way ticket back to where ever i wanted when i came bak

i was planing 6 weeks in iceland and then maybe a few months in england and during that time try my best to esablish my self in europe well enought to stay

it did not work out that way

unfortunately.....i would probably still be there if it did

any way i got my ticket and every thing.....after 3 months of emotiona and phiscal torment of working i was ready with cash in hand

said good by to my co workers....they wished me the best said by to my mom.....and all said they wish i would stay longer

i said no.....i must do this......i will do this
keep in mind i am making short details of every thing i went thru

then i got on the train....got hella drunk in washington DC while waiting for an 8 hour layover to boston

the trip HAD been blissful up to the point i ended up in the mens toilet pukeing my guts out at 5 in the morning
i think i later feel asleep on a bench in the station and nearly missed my trian but it is REALLY foggy cuz i was so entirely wasted

what i do remember clearly is getting more sick on the train and went to the toilet several times with dry heaves till finally i sleept a few hours

was in new york by the time i felt better and felt lucky and happy again and wierd looking out at a city that only about a year or so ago i was homless in

then the rest of the trip was grand till i got to boston

then the worst happened

lucky i had more than half a day layover or i would have been fucked

i went to find an internet cafe at the nearest library
i did not realize that when i went to call my mom that i was there i left my bak pak at the phone

got all the way to the library stop before i knew it was gone.....cuz when i got off the train i felt really strange

because i was lighter.....then it hit me....and i was almost in a panic yet trying to keep calm

every thing was in that pak
my tickets......my travelers checks.....nearly $3000 dollars AND my US passport.......alone with all my CDS and a bunch of other things i needed

i rode bak to the amtrak station......i was so tense i could just scream......and i could not remember if i left it on the last subway train so as soon as i got bak i went to the ticket both and told them and at the same time they told me go ro security in the amtrak station and see if some one found it

i did this and tryed to stay as calm and as hopeful as i could.........and after what seamed like forever and a day they came to me and said they found it...


OMG i was so realived......joyouse and greatful at first and thanked every one from the deepest part of my heart and was so happy

then when i sat down and started to calm down.....the strangest thing happend.....it took about 10 minutes of heavy breathing and then.........i started to sob and cry like i had never cryed before.........i was just so stressed and releived and everyt thing at once

and i guess they were tears of absolute joy
i huged my bak pack tightly and just cryed for maybe half an hour so happy to have my things bak

right in the middle of the train station....every one could see me but i did not care......i was so relieved

i really thought my trip had come to an end after more than a year of hell trying to make this one dream come true.........i was so realived that i was still going to make it and i still had enought time later to go to the library and then make it to the airport.....also a HUGE reliefe

i was terrified that every thing i had planed and worked for more than a year was going to turn in to a disaster at the last moment...all because of my damn absent mindedness

that something that i had NEVER EVER in my whole fuked up life had EVER worked so hard for or planed for so long and then have it blow up in my face at the last moment just like every thing else i have ever tryed to acomplish in a much shorter and less effort scale

so i guess it just all hit me at once......damn i was so lucky....angles and a few other good things and people were DEFINATELY looking out for me that day

i had not problems after that......and i made my flight and made it to iceland

i met many people and had many good and not so good things happen when i was there....expecially since i was on a relitvely tight budget......it was awsome at times and other times i was so depressed and sad it was almost more than i could stand

so manyt things happened and this is already getting huge and this only up till december of 2003

one stupid thing i did trying to save money was try to ride my bike to blue lagoon in the middle of winter.....i thought i would be just fine....but the weather changed so fast and i ended up more or less fighting for my survival on the way bak

rain turned to tiny ice pellets and were stining my face and i was soaked all the way thru and had to ride to keflavik and catch the flybus bak to reykavik cuz the wind was getting so strong that i would have never even got  2 kilometers

it was comeing strait down the hiway from reykjavik

and all this because i wanted to save money over riding the bus to blue lagoon

i also spent way to much time and money in internet cafes as well

see what i mean about details

i later met some people that asked me to staty with them for free....and that was good cuz i was nearly out of money and had to cancel going to england

so i stayed with my friends for more or less rent free......and stayed about 4 weeks longer in iceland than i had planed and then went bak to the states

made my rail arangements from iceland via the internet before i left

this was about febuary 2004

took the train all the way to the west coast and then flew from seattle to anchorage ....cuz that was the only thing i could do with the money i had left

air tickets for direct flights were to diffcult and expensive

got bak to alaska
stayed for a while

bought a toyota pickup for about $400 dollars and later bought the Geo Metro i now drive for about $600 and sold the pickup for what i payed for it

then later tryed a few lame jobs
drove the geo to indiana for its first time with me across the alaska hwy and canada to indiana for my birthday with my parents in indiana for during sepember iif that year

on the way bak to alaska i went to chicago....detriot area 2 times bak to indiana......

then to the west coast to try to be with a vietnamese girl i met in seattle when i was on my way to TJ

that did not work out......we only went one time to mount saint helens and that was about all i saw of her

went to LA for a short trip.....met a latina ladyboy there and tryed to get a realtionship going with her but that went no place either....went bak to portland oregon and tryed again with the vietnamese girl.....still nothing so i went back to alaska....

nearly got my self killed on the way bak when my care almost went over the edge of the road and rolled down a hill....that scared the piss out of me.....and nearly another disaster for me

got bak to alaska safe and sound....THANK GOD
then got to missing iceland so much that i decided i would go bak again......soon as possible

worked out in - 30 degree weather at the Air Force Base comisary pulling shoping carts with an ATV and a long long bungy strap with a big metal hook at the end

at one point when i was in a hurry i grabed the bungy too fast and the hook came up and nailed me square in the side of my face so hard that it broke my farthest back molar tooth and i spit some pieces and some blood out....it hurt like hell for about half the night and then it was ok after that.....it did not blead to much and stoped  bleading soon after.....only part of my tooth came apart.....i did not report it.....i just keept working and said nothing to no one

not sure why i did that.....i just did

and even today as i write this the tooth is stiil there
about 3 quaters of the tooth is still intact but some times it hurts if i dont brush well.....late last year i was in so much pain but refuesed to go to the dentist

it finnaly stoped hurting after a day of suffering
it has hurt a few times in the past couple of months but less than before and some times not at all if i brush often enough

any way i worked that job for a while
i was going to work till march or april so i would have plenty of money to go

hower some asshole pulled a gun on me at the wall mart parking lot all because i cut him off in traffic and i was so pissed and upset that i said fuck it i want to get the fuck out of here now cuz i am sick of the fucked up mentality of some of the stupid assholes in this town

i have had many problems with people and jobs and alot of other shit i dont want to go in to right now prior to this event

and what is more screwed up is i was much more angry than i was scared........good thing i moved quick cuz i think he was really gonna shoot me if i didnt

fucking dick wad
this was the last fucking straw

this was about january of 2005

now things are not so bad however im not done summerizing my story


any way at some point i decided i would go to england instead of iceland......get established there and THEN visit my many friends in iceland


i bought my tickets from phlidephia to england....and then took what little money i had.....about 2000 dollars and drove my little car for a

in terribly cold weather bak to indiana and then to delaware and then to england

that did not go so well and
will not go in to details there

when i got bak to the states i was kinda pissed off that england did not work out so as soon as i got off the plane i called iceland air for prices in march
it was very cheap....but my money was not in the bank

so i had to go to a travel agency and pay cash and a little bit more money.....$400 dollars

put my car bak in long term out door storage in delware dirt cheap.....$30 dollars per month

i then went to iceland with very little money
and i will not get in to details as to how i survied

i just did....we will leave it at that
and MANY MANY HUGE thanks to all my warmest friends in iceland for all there most genrous efforts and contributions......i love yu all so dealy

to say takk fyrir is not even close to being enough to describe my gratitude to every one that could understand me and deal with my crazy gypsy ass

i was hoping to stay long term.....maybe even forever however it just did not work out that way

that sux......well i still have the nice icelandic flag i got during the icelandic indipendance day

any way got bak to the states....again huge thanks to every one that helped me with that

this would now be about summer of 2005
drove bak to indiana.....stayed with my mom again a short time and then drove all the way bak to alaska

visited new iceland in canada on the way
 got bak to alaska

soon after i realized i have been in love with my room mate thess and later in the year decided to go away from her for a while for several reasons.....one to see if i would still feel the same for her when i was gone

i tryed to drive it.....canada boarder patrol turned in to big assholes and would not let me go in so i drove bak to anchorage and after about a day or 2 of trying to calm down  decided i would fly to visit my mom

this was about december of 2005

i spent some time there and was missing this girl so much i just had to go bak ASAP


so i did
got bak not to long after new years in january


have been here ever since going thru one of the most emotionaly demanding experiances of my life

and some days i just want to walk away
so fuck it shes not worth it
but for the moment.....im still here

trying to work it out

now i have just left out about 200 to 300 pages of details and chapeters of my life.....and this is nothing

this is only the past 3.5 years
im now 38 years old now

and this dose not even start to cover even just the past 3.5 years let alone my entire life

well i just thought i would put it out there
if yu have any thoughts coments or what ever
e-mail me

briancjenn@gmail.com
brian_c_jenn@hotmail.com

ok i feel better now
care and peace to all

brian

2:30 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

now im in the swing of things =)

now im in the swing of things =)

starting to make things happen for me...FINNALLY

i went and passed my written test for CDL (Commercial Drivers Licence) learners permit......

that is really awsome for me...it gives me alot of leverage that i did not have before

now i just need a company that is in desperate need of CDL drivers that would be willing to let me use thier truck for the CDL road test and then i got it

will be so nice to do somthing besides hard core manual labor and get paid good money for it

i should have had this 10 years ago or more however things just got screwed up and i got really discouraged ...distracted and frustrated

oh well...sure hope and pray i can make up for the lost time.....i feel so very acomplished and also so very far behind every one else

now i need to keep it moving and stay focused....always been a difficult task for me

who knows what good things are waiting for me in the near and distant future

i think many many good things

thats all for now
care and peace

brian/lydia

4:34 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

about:the dam...i think i know why

about:the dam...i think i know why

and this is pure speculation on my part
as i have no proof

but its the only thing that makes sence out of somthing that seams compleatly lacking in jugment on the part of the icelandic officials that are pushing this thru

i think some one some how has blackmailed or brived the people that are pushing this project
or possible some combination of black mail and brivery

maybe not every one involved....just key people with the most power and also with something to hide

its the only thing that would explain there actions

because the entire project is stupid

for many reasons that should be obvious to the icelandic goverment and people

for one

iceland has more than an abundant supply of geo thermal power readly avalible

so why build a dam at all
its senceless just from that point of view alone

then there is the fact that this project will power only ONE thing.....the aluminum plant......how wasteful

i could see MAYBE if it provided cheap power for half of iceland or somthing like that.....but then again......geo thermal power is more than abundant

or even wind power generators would be ALOT less impact on the enviroment

or even a combination of wind solar and geo thermal would more than cover the needs of one almuminm plant

solar would be very effective in the summer months in iceland with collerctors that can follow the suns track around the sky

so there is no need for this dam at all

not only that....from what i am told all the manual labor force will be imported labor from poor countrys like china so they dont have to pay icelandic wages to people for this sort of work

and they will keep them in a work camp and will not be spending money in iceland at all

so it generates no or little tax income or currancy flow for the goverment or iceland at all

this is shameful behavior and shows compleat lack of care or consideration for the icelandic people and the enviroment of iceland 

from what i can see it dose not benifit these people that are pusing this project what so ever......at least not for the goverment or country they work for

so it is more than obviouse that something very crooked and sinister is going on hear

what i am thinking is that some one some how found out some very dirty secrets about some of the key people involved and hold it over there heads and if they dont do what this evil company wants them to do they will expose there secrets with the almost definate affect of destroying there family life

i know that many many people have secret lives and things they have done or are doing that if there family or loved ones found out that it would destroy there lifes because those loved ones would hate them so much or have such a low opinion of them that they would want to have nothing to do with them ever again

it could even be as sinister as having been tempted to do these things by the very people that will profit from this

for example
if i wanted to black mail some one
so i could have power over them
say a key goverment official with a wife and kids

and i personaly knew that he liked to mess around behind his wifes back and i knew what kind of women......or even more embarassing  what men he liked to mess around with

i could find men or women that i knew he would go for in a heart beat....maybe get the man really drunk and video tape him with out his knowledge in his this act

and then later come to him with this project and should he refuse to help me show him the video and tell him......yu had better do this or i will let your wife and coworkers see this video

that is only a sample and it would be OH so EZ to do for some one of great wealth and power and wickedness

and this is only one of many possible dirty secrets
i could think of a few others that would be even lower and more dispicable than this that the person being blackmailed would do or say anything to keep from being exposed.........even if they know its wrong

if i can think of it.....then some one else has actually
done it.......and got away with it....many many times

this is one of many many reason why things are the way they are with the goverments and corperations of the world.......this is just the tip of the iceburg

it gose much deeper and more intricate than this
however i will not go there with this

think about it......its the only thing that makes sence from somthing that makes absolutly no sence

just think about it for a while and yu can see i have a very valid point.......and just how ez it is to do

not sure if there is any thing that can be done about it
just want people to see more than what is on the surface.......maybe some day this will change

but it is the way the REAL world works as far as i can see.....and it really needs to change some how

cuz its not right
and that should be clear as daylight

the dam in iceland is only just a tiny sample of this

i really dont know what it will take to change this
but change it must......before we destroy the earth and all of us along with it

not only that its just plain wasteful
and that too needs to stop

its not just wasteful to iceland
its wasteful to the people that are involved
including this aluminum smelter and the person building this dam

unfortunately they can not see it that way
because they are compleatly blinded with power and gread and corruption

its is so very sad for them
and i pray they will see that what they are doing is wrong and stop and find a better way that benifts ever one.....and minimizes there losses

i pray that the beauty and magic of iceland will soften there hearts so they will find a better more responsible and careing way to do this

because its there earth too...its every ones

so they are only screwing them selfs really
and there future generations to come

much love and care

brian

1:14 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment


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